I never got the chance to “be young”.  I was a father at 19 years old.  Because of that, every decision I had to make was no longer about me.  There was another life impacted by everything I did or did not do.  Every decision, from my job to how I spent money, and even how I drove my car, was no longer something I could make haphazardly.  The ability to only be concerned with myself was a luxury that I was never afforded.

     I put pressure on myself to be the best adult I could be, and no matter what, I had to do it right, whatever ‘right’ means.  Because I was a father at such a young age, it was and still is commonly viewed as a mistake.  I refused to ever let my daughter believe she was a mistake. 

By the summer of 2000, I was the father of three girls via a “His, Hers, and ours” situation.  So, I was determined to present myself as mature, responsible, and the best parent wherever I went.  My job was to convince people that nothing just ‘happened’ to me.  That everything was calculated, planned, and even expected.  All at the ripe old age of 24.

     Of course it was all bullshit!

     The whole point of being young and in your 20s is to go boldly out into the world.  You can make mistakes.  You’re free to chase dreams and make them your reality.  It’s the time of your life when you’re supposed to take risks, knowing that in the end, it’s only you who must pay the price for your mistakes.  You can learn from them, and the experience you gain is priceless. 

But chasing dreams and risking it all was not something I was willing to bet my daughter’s future on.  How could I?  They should not have to suffer the consequences of my mistakes.  The only way I saw that I could prevent that was not to take any risks and to live the ‘safest’ life I could to protect them.  That made not only my 20s but my 30s and early 40s the most terrifying years of my life.  There was so much at stake, and I had to get it right, no matter what.

It should be no surprise to anyone that I failed miserably.  I made mistakes too many to count, and some more than once.  And despite my best efforts, my daughters did end up paying some of the price for my transgressions.  And that is something I’ll have to deal with and carry with me for the rest of my life.  I was too proud and foolish to ask anyone for advice.  I was also too hard-headed to listen to any advice that may have been afforded to me for the delusion that I had put myself under, believing I had to be perfect.

There is a song by Edwin McCain called “Go Be Young” that I often think about when recalling stories of my past.  It’s a song that aches from the same pain I have from the lost opportunity of being young.  But the song resonates with people who didn’t have a life like mine, because in one way or another, we all have wasted our youth. 

GO BE YOUNG

GO BE FREE

FOLLOW YOUR HEART WHERE IT LEADS YOU

DON’T END UP LIKE ME

-EDWIN McCAIN

It’s true what they say, whoever ‘they’ are, that youth is wasted on the young.  But not because of the mistakes you made, but because at the time, most of us didn’t realize that we were doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing.  We should have lived with reckless abandonment.  We should have reveled in simply being young and alive and left worries for much, much later in life when we would be better prepared to handle them.

Since I never had the opportunity to experience those lessons in my youth, I lived vicariously through movies and the characters I loved.  In the film ‘Knock Around Guys’, Vin Diesel’s character, Taylor, has a scene in a local bar that resonated with me more than just because it was badass.  It resonated with me on a more philosophical level. 

The quote from the scene is after he approaches the local ‘Tough Guy’ in the bar and says, ‘500.’  When the tough guy asks what he’s talking about, Vin continues:

“500 fights, that’s the number I figured when I was a kid. 500 street fights and you could consider yourself a legitimate tough guy. You need them for experience. To develop leather skin. So I got started. Of course along the way you stop thinking about being tough and all that. It stops being the point. You get past the silliness of it all. But then, after, you realize that’s what you are.”

     To me, that scene and those words represented the misspent opportunities my 20s were supposed to offer.  I had missed out on my ‘500’ fights.  I had missed out on the hundreds of mistakes, adventures, heartaches, struggles, and moments of utter beauty and amazement that life has to offer.  I never got to develop that ‘leather skin’ he talks about, that would have protected me from the worries later in life that come with building a life for your family. 

     That loss is why I do what I do.  It’s why I believe God gave me the gift of and passion for storytelling.  My story is not unique, and I know there are thousands of others out there just like me who lived a very similar life, becoming a parent far too early in life.  And I also know there are many more to follow in our footsteps.  It’s the memory of the fear and hopelessness that I felt for decades that motivates me to try and do something – anything – to help anyone to avoid feeling that way too.

     At least I was finally able to realize at least some of what Vin’s character, Taylor, was saying.  I finally managed to get past the silliness of it all and realized that, when you boil it down, life isn’t that difficult or serious after all. 

Being perfect finally stopped being the point for me.  Instead, I now focus on being the best possible husband, father, brother, friend, and all-around person I can be.  I’ve come to understand that perfection can be boring.  Not to mention that for most of us it’s unattainable anyway.  And I’ve learned that allowing yourself room for a bit of grace is often far more deserved than we give ourselves credit for. 

Life is hard.  It is full of twists and turns that none of us see coming until it’s too late.  So knowing that and allowing yourself space to navigate the aftermath is sometimes the best we can do.  And having navigated many twists and turns in my life, I am now telling you – it’s okay.  I give you permission to cut yourself some slack.